Wisdom in the Secret Heart

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Psalm 51:6

I’ve been dealing with a lot of old stuff in counseling.  Stuff that’s been hidden deep inside me for a very long time.  And I’ve been realizing how much I have lied to myself to protect myself from the truth of my past.  I’ve lied to myself to stay safe, but I haven’t been safe.  I am wounded.  And healing can only come in the revelation of the wound and the power of God to heal it in me.

I’ve always looked at the idea of “wisdom in the secret heart” as a deep wisdom, a deep understanding or teaching of God’s Word in my inner being.  And that’s certainly true!  But I’ve been discovering just how deep the Lord is willing to go with me if I’m willing to let Him take me there.   And it’s way deeper than human knowledge can even comprehend.

It’s scary.   It’s so scary that I’m writing this blog post right now and instead of my standard “prayer format”, I’m just putting it out there stream of consciousness style.  I guess the details are fine to stay between me and God.  He is showing me the things that have been there all this time.  The things I’ve lied to myself over for many, many years.  I’d let the enemy convince me that keeping it hidden from my own mind would heal me.

But I’ve relied on myself to heal these wounds for a long, long time.  I even convinced myself that I was trusting God to heal me in the midst of my own suffering.  But God has used it.  He is faithful to teach me wisdom in the secret heart no matter how stubborn I am and no matter how many times I fall for Satan’s tricks.  He is patient with me and quick to forgive.

All this sin that others inflicted on me.  All this sin I inflicted on myself to hide with shame what happened.  All of it has been revealed and washed clean by the blood of the lamb.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalm 56:10

God is able to clean what has been stained inside of me.  God is able to heal the wounds and restore me.  But restoration can only come once the wounds are revealed.  And the wounds couldn’t be revealed until I was willing to acknowledge them.  I can look back at so many experiences in my life and see how the Lord has been gently trying to show me the way and help me to get there.  And through it all I’ve gone deeper and deeper and deeper as I submitted to His teaching and His love for me.

I’ve confessed and cried out to God.  I’ve offered prayers of repentence and cries for mercy.  And the Lord has heard me.  And He’s taken me deeper.  He’s taken me to the deepest knowledge of my broken spirit and my broken heart.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:16-17

But it wasn’t until I gave up everything–and I’m still in the midst of giving it all up–that I’ve realized the truth of this wisdom in the secret heart.  This wisdom of deep repentence, not regret, not fear, but deep and profound repentence for all the years of hiding it I’ve tried to sustain.  It was never hidden from God.  And His love for me remained.  When people stole my innocence and scarred my soul, the Lord was there, and He wanted to heal me.  As He wept for my injury, and wept for my abusers, and wept for the damage it did to all of us, He remembered the cross of Calvary and offered it to me.

And only now have I finally recieved the start of that wisdom from the secret heart.  That wisdom that brings confession, repentence, forgiveness, and restoration.  There is profound peace in that.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
 and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
Psalm 51:12-15

Broken Alabaster Jar

“While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of Simon the Leper,  woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.”

Matthew 26:6-7

Jesus, my love, my savior, my brother, my Lord, thank you for Mary and her alabaster jar of perfume:  this precious gift from her to you, that no one understood.  It made people jealous and angry and irritated.  But you honored her and her gift.  Her love poured out on you, just as you would pour your love out on us.  She gave you the most expensive, most beautiful thing she had and she offered it to you, and anointed you, and walked with you to the cross and to your death with her gift of perfume.  She acted out real devotion to you and you acknowledged her.  Love like that it what you long for from everyone.  Deep, sacrificial love, like the love you have for us.  A love that gives us everything.  We don’t deserve it, but you do!  

My sweet love, show me how to give you my everything, as you showed us all on the cross.  Show me what true devotion and love and honor look like fresh every day.  Fresh every moment.  May my heart be filled with the deep, enduring, eternal love that would take you down the road of deep suffering and anguish just to save me.  Just to be my champion.  My warrior.  My King.  

I don’t want honor, Lord.  I want you to be honored.  I want to love you in a way that no one else even understands.  To love you so perfectly and so boldly as to surrender all my rights and all my worth to you for you to be lifted up.  For you to be proclaimed as King once more.  I want the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart to be pleasing to you, oh Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer.  I want the world to know that you are God and I am not.  

You have called out to me and I have answered you.  You saved me.  You hold me.  You honor me with your death and resurrection.  You gave it all for me, my love.  You gave it all for me and I want to give you all of me in return.  Help me to not hold anything back. Help me not to seek any of my own glory.  Help me to only seek you. Amen.