I’ve lost a child. Not to death, but to a unilateral decision she has imposed. And with the loss of my daughter, I’ve lost my two granddaughters, because if she doesn’t feel safe with me, how can I expect her to feel like her daughters are safe with me? It feels like abandonment and failure and like a part of my soul has been sawed out of me slowly with a rusty blade. It’s happened over time, in ponderous, agonizing engagements marred by masked platitudes and polite smiles and saccharine sentiments intended to build connection that instead built walls of resentment and pain. I didn’t set out to destroy our relationship. Or cause her pain. Or alienate her. All I’ve ever wanted was to be her mom. To love and support her and know her. And right now, that’s not something she wants.
It’s been hard to accept. Hard to even say. I’ve felt a lot of shame in my grief and loss. I’ve wondered what I did that caused her to take this radical action to exclude me from her life. I’ve spent pages in my journal and hours with my therapist and my husband processing and processing and processing, weeping and wondering and waiting and hoping that somehow I could discover through self reflection, through intellectual understanding, through shared pain, through understanding and curiosity what it would take to mend this brokenness, to restore my relationship with this person I have loved since before she took her first breath. If I could just fix myself, the problem would be solved. But that was the problem all along. All the processing, all the hoping, all the praying, all the begging, all the cajoling is lost if her answer right now is, “No, thank you.” And no amount of taking responsibility for it all on my own will ever be the solution.
My daughter didn’t choose to be born to a mother with CPTSD and chronic health problems. Her childhood had more traumatic experiences than she deserved. And I didn’t choose to experience the traumas of my lifetime, either. We are all victims of our circumstance to some extent, especially as children, and when we are grown, we have the ability to choose to heal and grow from those experiences or not. I’m choosing to walk the lonesome valley of self-discovery and healing. It is a difficult road, and not one I ended up on easily. I believe she is on a similar journey. And I have faith that she will find her way.
But up until this point, the only relationship she and I have ever had has been obligatory for her. I’m the only mother she has. I don’t want an obligatory relationship with her and I don’t think she does either. So I’m choosing to believe that it is the obligatory relationship she is rejecting. And I reject it with her.
I want the relationship of our future to be equal. Two autonomous adult people agreeing to a connection of mutual respect and understanding. And I think that’s probably what she wants, too. But that’s something she must determine for herself.
For me, just like the serenity prayer, I will have the courage to accept the things I cannot change, find the courage to change the things I can, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference. And hope for these things to manifest in her as well.
These things I know: my love for her is unconditional and my love for myself is likewise unconditional. The world is a cruel and broken place. Circumstances beyond our control have caused painful consequences. I have scars and I have given scars. I have wounds that still fester and wounds that have healed. And I endeavor to daily face the challenges that come from the realization of my imperfection and the imperfection of others. I will carry on. I will work on growing myself. I will work harder to listen and understand. I will treasure the relationships I have with my other children, and be thankful that in this moment they allow their journeys to run in tandem with mine.
For my lost daughter I know the most loving thing I can do is to respect her autonomy. She owes me nothing. She owes herself everything. She has to do what feels best and right for her. My hope is that it’s not forever. My hope is that she finds the healing and comfort and community she needs in those that she has chosen to have in her life. My hope is that she will continue to grow and heal and overcome any of the obstacles that have gotten in her way, that have kept her from feeling safe, and in time she will be ready to initiate a new relationship with me. One that she chooses to have with me because she feels safe with herself and safe with me, and not because she feels obligated to some pretense of family inflicted upon her.
I’m willing and able and ready to wait for her. I’ve made myself available to relationship counseling with her whenever she is ready if that is what she needs. Until then, I will respect her decision to maintain distance. And grieve deeply the loss of what I cannot currently have with her or her children. She’s worth it. They’re worth it. And so am I.