Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of old stuff in counseling. Stuff that’s been hidden deep inside me for a very long time. And I’ve been realizing how much I have lied to myself to protect myself from the truth of my past. I’ve lied to myself to stay safe, but I haven’t been safe. I am wounded. And healing can only come in the revelation of the wound and the power of God to heal it in me.
I’ve always looked at the idea of “wisdom in the secret heart” as a deep wisdom, a deep understanding or teaching of God’s Word in my inner being. And that’s certainly true! But I’ve been discovering just how deep the Lord is willing to go with me if I’m willing to let Him take me there. And it’s way deeper than human knowledge can even comprehend.
It’s scary. It’s so scary that I’m writing this blog post right now and instead of my standard “prayer format”, I’m just putting it out there stream of consciousness style. I guess the details are fine to stay between me and God. He is showing me the things that have been there all this time. The things I’ve lied to myself over for many, many years. I’d let the enemy convince me that keeping it hidden from my own mind would heal me.
But I’ve relied on myself to heal these wounds for a long, long time. I even convinced myself that I was trusting God to heal me in the midst of my own suffering. But God has used it. He is faithful to teach me wisdom in the secret heart no matter how stubborn I am and no matter how many times I fall for Satan’s tricks. He is patient with me and quick to forgive.
All this sin that others inflicted on me. All this sin I inflicted on myself to hide with shame what happened. All of it has been revealed and washed clean by the blood of the lamb.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
God is able to clean what has been stained inside of me. God is able to heal the wounds and restore me. But restoration can only come once the wounds are revealed. And the wounds couldn’t be revealed until I was willing to acknowledge them. I can look back at so many experiences in my life and see how the Lord has been gently trying to show me the way and help me to get there. And through it all I’ve gone deeper and deeper and deeper as I submitted to His teaching and His love for me.
I’ve confessed and cried out to God. I’ve offered prayers of repentence and cries for mercy. And the Lord has heard me. And He’s taken me deeper. He’s taken me to the deepest knowledge of my broken spirit and my broken heart.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
But it wasn’t until I gave up everything–and I’m still in the midst of giving it all up–that I’ve realized the truth of this wisdom in the secret heart. This wisdom of deep repentence, not regret, not fear, but deep and profound repentence for all the years of hiding it I’ve tried to sustain. It was never hidden from God. And His love for me remained. When people stole my innocence and scarred my soul, the Lord was there, and He wanted to heal me. As He wept for my injury, and wept for my abusers, and wept for the damage it did to all of us, He remembered the cross of Calvary and offered it to me.
And only now have I finally recieved the start of that wisdom from the secret heart. That wisdom that brings confession, repentence, forgiveness, and restoration. There is profound peace in that.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.