Having A Broken Spirit Sucks

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
   the Lord answered me and set me free.
6 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
   What can man do to me?
Psalms 118:5-6

What can man do to me?  Well, in two words: a lot.  Especially when that “man” is yourself.  I’ve despised myself so many times. I’ve beaten myself up for the tiniest mistakes.  I’ve thrown up false humility in the presence of the Lord just to seem like a “good Christian”.  I’ve hated God in my heart because I didn’t get my way. I’ve thrown tantrums of fury over pure folly.  And, perhaps the biggest sin of all, at least in my own heart: I’ve hated myself.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalms 51:17

But having a broken spirit sucks.  What if depression, and scars from the past, and broken promises, and failed outcomes have you thinking that there is surely no one more broken in this world than you? What a horrible feeling to strive and strive and fail and then hate yourself for it.  What a horrible feeling to hate your past and your mistakes and your brokenness.

But if I believe the Bible, and I do, then God actually likes my broken spirit.  My broken and contrite spirit means I’m ready to repent. I’m ready to admit that I don’t know near what I think I do, especially in regard to God’s plan for me. God’s intimate knowledge of me is far better suited to make proclomations about my character than I am.  I’m not getting anything passed God. He KNOWS me. He made me. He knows my heart and my mind. He knows everything. I can’t fool Him or trick Him.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
Psalms 139:1-4

And even knowing every part of me, He chose to die for me, to give me life, and to make me His!  KNOWING everything about me, what I would do with my life, how I would fail, how I would succeed, how I would struggle, He still chose me. His response to knowing everything? He says triumphantly, “Daisy, YOU ARE WORTH IT! I LOVE YOU.  YOU ARE MINE!” We all are, when we have submitted to Him.

I guess that’s real love, isn’t it?  We always want to have someone love us unconditionally, and that is exactly what God has given us.  He loves us without restriction. Without remorse. And He’d do it all over again.

That brings me back to my self loathing and depression.  What am I supposed to do with these feelings when I can’t love or forgive myself?  I am weary. I am exhausted from the thought of one more step. I have been driven hard by my own expectations.  I’ve suffered and strained under the burden of life’s challenges, most of which I never had any control over in the first place.  

And yet, through my struggles, through my fear, through my self described failure, the Lord responds with victory.  Which is more real?  Which is more true?  My feelings of failure, or His proclomation of victory?  Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

I was pushed hard, so that I was falling,
   but the Lord helped me.
Psalms 118:13

Yes, I’ve been pushed hard.  Yes, I’ve been falling and holding on by the smallest thread of hope, and my fingers quickly began to slip from even that tiny shred of faith. How do I go forward?  How do I hold on? It is impossible for me.  Hopeless for me.  But not for God. Nothing is impossible for God.  Nothing is hopeless with God. Nothing. Not even me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my song;
   he has become my salvation.
15 Glad songs of salvation
   are in the tents of the righteous:
“The right hand of the Lord does valiantly,
16     the right hand of the Lord exalts,
   the right hand of the Lord does valiantly!”
Psalms 118:14-16

The Lord deals with me valiantly.  Valiantly! I’ve maintained the weakest grasp of that wisp of hope because the Lord has been my strength.  And He is infinitely strong. I can look back now and see the millions of times that His strength brought me through trial.  His strength, His faith, His love, His salvation. They saved me. They save me still.

I shall not die, but I shall live,
   and recount the deeds of the Lord.
18 The Lord has disciplined me severely,
   but he has not given me over to death.
Psalms 118:17-18

I can proclaim the Lord’s goodness.  I can proclaim that He has treated me valiantly!  He has given me victory. Though I have been disciplined, though I have felt the pain of unrepentant sin, He has brought me through it.  He has created in me a clean heart.  He has urged me lovingly, patiently, toward repentance and communion with Him without shame or fear.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
  and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
   and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
   and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Psalms 51:10-12

His discipline restores me.  It repairs my brokenness and brings me through to victory.  Though it is painful, it is transforming. Though I suffer for a little while, I will have my reward, both now and in the age to come.  Abundant life is mine to take.

Jesus is my righteousness. I am not hated for my sin.  I am loved despite my sin. The gates of righteousness have been opened for me, because the Lord has opened them.  He has become my salvation and I have no need to fear myself or my wickedness. I can proclaim His victory in me instead.  

Open to me the gates of righteousness,
   that I may enter through them
   and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord;
   the righteous shall enter through it.
21 I thank you that you have answered me
   and have become my salvation.
Psalms 118:19-21

For more on trusting God and being thankful, you can check out my blog post here:  On Being Thankful

Dancing for the Lord

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
   you have loosed my sackcloth
   and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
   O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
Psalms 30:11-12

I admit it, I never really understood what the point of dancing was when it came to worshipping God.  I know that sounds kind of dumb coming from me, but it’s true. To make matters worse, I’ve been prophesied over by many people who have said I am the Lord’s ballerina, or that I dance befor joy for the Lord.  I have always loved this idea, but at the same time, I’ve questioned it. Not that I questioned the validity of the prophecies, because in my spirit they have always felt very true, but I just didn’t get it. What does dancing have to do with anything?  Why dancing? I just kept imagining my goofy 80’s self dancing awkwardly to Duran Duran’s Rio. Ya. Exactly.

But the Lord has not been content to leave me in this place.  I have found myself asking and asking for Him to make it clear to me what he wanted me to know about dancing, and, more importantly, what my dancing for Him looked like.  I’m not talking about pirouettes or hip gyrations or the Nay Nay. I’m talking about dance as worship. And how does dancing for the Lord not seem weird and awkward, but instead something of great beauty and joy for the Lord.

That’s when I came to the famous “David dancing scene”.

12 And it was told King David, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God.” So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing. 13 And when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six steps, he sacrificed an ox and a fattened animal.14 And David danced before the Lord with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. 15 So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the horn.
2 Samuel 6:12-15

“David danced before the Lord with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. David, leading as a priest king, wearing a linen ephod, lead the people in celebration and proclamation of God’s victory and salvation. With every part of himself, he worshipped the Lord as a an act of extreme celebration.  He celebrated the arc and the presence of the Lord, and the blessing that the Presence would bring to God’s people.  He danced without fear of judgement. He danced for the Lord in celebration of God’s victory, power, and protection.

This got me thinking about when the first time dancing is mentioned in the Bible and what the circumstances of that instance might reveal to me.  Sure enough, the dancing came as a celebration of God’s victory for His people.

20 Then Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women went out after her with tambourines and dancing. 21 And Miriam sang to them:

“Sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously;
the horse and his rider he has thrown into the sea.”
Exodus 15:20-21

After the Lord rescues the Israelites from Egypt, the whole group sings a victory song about how great God is and how trustworthy He is to save them.  And then all the ladies, led by Miriam the prophetess, dance before the Lord.  Miriam led the entire congregation in the celebration of God’s victory, by dancing before the Lord.

So, here’s what the Lord has been teaching me through all of this: dancing is a celebratory proclamation of God’s victory over my enemies. It is an expression of gratitude, worship, and celebration for deliverance.  If I have learned anything about God in my 49 years, it is that God is my deliverer. He has saved me from sin and death, and He has rescued me time and time again from the evil of this world. Whether inflicted on me by others, or inflicted on me by my own folly, God has faithfully rescued me.  I think that’s worth celebrating, don’t you?

Lord, thank you for rescuing me from my sins and from this world’s pain.  You have made me your daughter. You have given me authority in accordance to the will of Lord Jesus, to have victory by His name.  I love you, Jesus! Dancing before You is to celebrate what you have done and to proclaim it with unabashed delight. You have given me victory!  You have given me joy. You have given me peace. I didn’t deserve any of it and yet You faithfully have given it to me! Indeed, Your promises are true and I will trust You and delight in You forever.  Amen.

 

At the King’s Table

What is man that you are mindful of him,
   and the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:4

It is easy to be reminded in this world how unworthy we are of the love of God.  For a follower of Christ, every moment of our lives is a battle between the desires of our flesh and the desires of our heart.  We long to serve and obey the Lord and yet we fail so miserably at every turn. Crippled from the start, our tendency is toward sin in all its forms.  It’s been that way since the fall of man. And the more we grow in our relationship with the Lord, the more we recognize our complete depravity without Him.  Who are we, that God loves us so much? Who are we, that God would call us His children? Who are we, that God would come into Creation as one of us, in a decayed body bent toward sin, and suffer and die just to save us?  Who are we?!

While reading about David’s victories in 2 Samuel, it quickly becomes clear who we are to God.  Considering that David is the prophetic forerunner of Jesus, we can safely look into the actions that David took as opportunities to reflect on what Jesus has done for us.  First, we have received the blessing of victory through Christ. The phrase: “And the Lord gave victory to David wherever he went” appears twice in 2 Samuel Chapter 8, first in verse 6 and then again in verse 14. God gave David victory because David’s heart was filled with love and faith in God.  Our victory is received by that same faith in what Christ has won for us through His death, burial, and resurrection.

David didn’t deserve his victory anymore than we do, but God honored David for his faith and trust in Him.  Even more importantly, God honored David because of God’s promise to Abraham. And God doesn’t go back on his promises.  Now take a look at David’s treatment of Jonathan’s son.

And David said to him, “Do not fear, for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan, and I will restore to you all the land of Saul your father, and you shall eat at my table always.” 8 And he paid homage and said, “What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as I?”
2 Samuel 9:7-8

Doesn’t that sound a lot like Jesus.  I can just hear our Lord saying, “Don’t worry, kid, because of my promise to Abraham I’m not going to destroy you.  Instead, because you trust me, you can join me at my table forever.”

Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
   the Almighty reigns.
7 Let us rejoice and exult
   and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
   and his Bride has made herself ready;
8 it was granted her to clothe herself
   with fine linen, bright and pure”—
for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.
9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”
Revelations 19:6-9

Just like the sweet, crippled son of Jonathan, Mephibosheth, we are inheritors of the promise.  David loved Jonathan and therefore took his son into his own court, and fed him from his own table.  God loved Abraham and therefore took any who would believe in Him, brings them into His courts, treats them as his own children, and feeds them from His own table. Beautiful!

So Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, for he ate always at the king’s table.
2 Samuel 9:11

Lord, I want to have confidence in Your provisions and promises.  I want to know You are my father and that You love me. I want to feel the power of Your promise and love for Abraham and receive the promised blessing of that promise.  I want confidence in Your love, Lord. Fill me with Your unending and precious favor. Thank you for adopting me as your child. Thank you for giving me Jesus and letting me be a joint heir with Him and all You have given Him.  Let me come into your presence with thanksgiving always. I will praise You, God! I will trust You by Your power at work within me. Amen.

 

Psalm 51

The Lord has been speaking to me in Psalm 51 for the last few months.  Snippets of it come to mind and are uttered from my mouth when I pray everyday.  I know the Lord is bringing it to my heart to teach me of His love and forgiveness.  For my whole life I have doubted the His love and forgiveness, even as I walked in faith to believe those promises.  Honestly, I’m amazed that such a dichotomy of thinking could be found in my heart, and yet I know very well that it is true.

I doubted God’s love because of shame in my own heart for my sins.  Because of the bad decisions of my past, because of the sin I committed against the Lord, and continue to commit against the Lord each day, I thought there was no way that God could possibly even want to forgive me.  I’d think, “No way. Not this time. This time was bad. God hates sin. He surely hates me. I hate me.”

But thankfully, that’s not how God works at all.  While I would try to tell myself this, and try desperately to trust in the forgiveness of God, I couldn’t marry God’s hate of sin to my own iniquity.  As I keep learning, however, God is not willing to leave us in dark places, or in lies of the enemy, if we are willing and earnestly seeking Him and longing to know His truth.  That’s where the marriage between doubt and hope really come together.

I doubted my own ability to be forgiven.  I hated myself for my sin, and so I couldn’t think of anyone else not hating me as well.  Yet, over and over again, the Lord would speak into my heart that I am forgiven.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
   and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
   and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Psalm 51:5-6

He knows that I was brought forth into the world full of the potential for great sin.  And He is willing to teach me the wisdom of trusting Him in my heart regardless of past, regardless of my circumstances, regardless of my sin.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
   wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Psalm 51:7

He will and has made me clean!  By the blood of the Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, I have been purged and made clean in the eyes of God.  I am whiter than snow to Him now, because I have freely accepted His ability to cleanse me and forgive me.  Again, this is where hope comes in. I hope in the promise that God’s salvation is truly mine to receive. And the Lord builds my faith to continue to trust Him regardless of the lies the enemy tells me about how evil I am.  God knows I my heart is evil. And only He can forgive me.

9 Hide your face from my sins,
   and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
   and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
   and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
   and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Psalm 51:9-12

When I ask Him, it is His delight to receive and honor my request to be cleansed and forgiven and brought into His Presence.  He can daily restore in me the JOY of His salvation given to me with love. Only then can I see that He truly does love me. He truly does cleanse me.  He truly does forgive me. And because of that, I can move forward, not only in confidence of His forgiveness but also with the experience and faith to share this Good News with others!

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
   and sinners will return to you,
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
   O God of my salvation,
   and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
   and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
   you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:13-17

Sounds like a pretty solid plan.  I think I’ll take it.

Look to the Victory!

Now these are the nations that the Lord left, to test Israel by them, that is, all in Israel who had not experienced all the wars in Canaan. 2 It was only in order that the generations of the people of Israel might know war, to teach war to those who had not known it before.
Judges 3:1-2

God, it’s so easy for me to get caught up in the battle that rages all around me.  I guess that makes sense. It’s a big battle raging all around me! Hard to ignore!  But I keep forgetting that the war is won. The spiritual carnage all around me can be so oppressive.  It creeps up on me with complacency, discouragement, worldly delights, a critical spirit, and with shame.  Instead of looking at the victory, I look at the battle.

Thank you, God, that You’re not content to leave me that way.  Gently but firmly, You take me in Your hands and walk me through the destruction.  You place my feet on the conquests of Your own shed blood. You teach me the ways of war.  Your train me diligently. You personally dress me in Your own armor, the armor of Jesus, and You carry me forward as a wrecking ball of Your majesty.  

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle;
Psalm 144:1

Why does my heart grow weary?  Why do I stumble? Why do I struggle?  Why do I doubt?

The victory is mine to inherit.  You’ve told me so! It is already won.  But You will continue to teach me. It’s not my power that brings victory, it’s Yours.  I’m sorry for trying to take responsibility for defeating an enemy that has already been made a footstool beneath Your feet by the power of the blood of the Lamb.

The LORD says to my Lord: “Sit at my right hand, until I make your enemies your footstool.”
Psalm 110:1

The enemy will continue to fight until You put a final end to his reign of terror.  And until then I must be in the midst of the chaos. Help me remember that You bring order from chaos.  You are teaching me with each battle how to claim my victory! You are teaching me how to lead others. You are teaching me to keep my eyes on You and my faith in Your power and not my own.

You’ve let the enemy keep fighting for a little while so that I can participate in the victory as well as the spoils. I will know war and be taught by trial how to fight, just so You can look at me with a big grin on Your face and say, “We did it!”  I marvel at Your love and desire to let me partner with You. But partnering in battle means partnering in the suffering as well as the victory. Thank You for counting me worthy to suffer for Your name.

27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 28 and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. 29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, 30 engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.
Philippians 1:27-30

I know it’s only going to get worse.  The more I learn to fight, the harder the barrage against me becomes.  But with my eyes trained on You, trained with the experience of battle, I can trust You deeper.  I will have the victory. Let’s give them that “clear sign of their destruction” one more time.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:4-5

So, let’s eat!  The war is won.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
   Forever.
Psalm 23:6

Back to the Garden

Sin and shame have ruled my life for a very long time.  Since I was a child, I tried to hide it from everyone: from God, from myself, from the world.  As a small child I had experienced a cruel type of shame from the enemy that forced a burden on me that I was not intended to bear.  But the Lord is so merciful, full of forgiveness and abounding with love. What the enemy intended to harm me, God will use for good.  And He is.

I’ve longed to go back to the Garden where I could walk in the presence of God, completely vulnerable, completely trusting, and completely unashamed.  I just didn’t know it. I kept trying to cover myself instead of relinquishing my control to let God cover me. God’s covering is perfect. It protects.  It builds up. It comforts. It surrounds me in love and peace. It is good because God is good. And in the Garden, we communed as one friendship in complete transparency with one another.  I could know Him and He knew me. And it was good.

But the devil tried to steal that from me.  He tried, but he has failed. God never gives up, and He hasn’t given up on me.  Instead, He has tenderly and lovingly guided me back to Him, though the path has been difficult.  All along the journey I have fought with Him. I’ve questioned His judgment and His direction. Can you imagine?  I questioned God! What an oxymoron! But I did it, and I’ll likely do it again. I kept insisting that He not see my nakedness.  I had too much shame. I had too much guilt. I had fear and darkness where their should have been trust and love.

“I acknowledged my sin to You,
And I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to YAHWEH,’
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
Psalm 32:5

When I acknowledged my doubt and fear and shame to Him, He didn’t turn me away.  He forgave me. And again and again He will do the same. What incredible peace there is in that!  It is life changing. As I continue to strip off the layers and layers of shame and guilt and fear that I have built up around myself for so many years, the Lord faithfully and lovingly says, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you,” over and over and over again.  Seventy times seven and more. And with each confession I’m drawn closer to Him. I am more and more exposed and I am more and more free.

His presence is the only covering I need.  Shame and doubt and fear have only kept me away from Him.  But as I release control of my covering to the Lord, I am free.  His presence is my shield, my righteousness, my honor, my delight.  To be naked and unashamed in His presence is to be back in the Garden.  And that’s where I want to be.

So, Father, I’m sorry for not trusting You.  I’m sorry for trying to cover all of my guilt and shame with manufactured lies that never gave me the comfort and peace that I thought they would or needed them to.  Real peace can only be found in You. Real comfort is in Your arms. Your presence is mine for the asking when I surrender to You and confess it all. Thank You! I am saved.  Help me to continue to walk in the Garden and not try to cover myself again in anything but You.

For the Sake of Your Goodness, God

Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
   according to your stead fast love remember me,
   for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!
Psalm 25:7

All I can think about when I read this Psalm, Lord, is how easy it is for You to forgive my sins and the sins of the world.  I can easily get caught up in the ugliness of my sin and the filth that sin has covered me in. Each moment I feel the death of this world slowly creeping in on me.  My body is dying. The world around me is dying. And every sin I commit leads to more and more death.

But for the sake of Your goodness, you can forgive me.

For your name’s sake, O Lord,
   pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Psalm 25:11

For the sake of Your name, You pardon us of all our guilt.  All of my guilt. Your name is holy and righteous and good. It is perfect.  Your name is above all names. Your glory is revealed in everything You have made.  The majesty of Your breath brings eternal life and peace. Because of Your name, you forgive and cleanse and pardon.  I am forgiven, cleansed and pardoned.

16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

I don’t need to feel ashamed.  I don’t need to be afraid. I don’t need to feel dirty or broken anymore, God.  I can come to You filthy and broken, and because of Your name, because of Your mercy, because of Your righteousness, You have and do offer me forgiveness through Your beautiful Son, Jesus, my Lord.

I’m sorry for all the times I have walked in shame and fear, forgetting Your goodness and righteousness.  I’m sorry that I have tried to rely on my feeble ability to try and cleanse myself in order to come into Your presence.  So, I ask that You help turn me around, God. Turn me back to Your smile of love and mercy. Turn me back so that I can fall into Your arms of comfort and healing.

I love You, God.  Thank You for being Good.

Consider my affliction and my trouble,
   and forgive all my sins.
Psalm 25:18