Sin and shame have ruled my life for a very long time. Since I was a child, I tried to hide it from everyone: from God, from myself, from the world. As a small child I had experienced a cruel type of shame from the enemy that forced a burden on me that I was not intended to bear. But the Lord is so merciful, full of forgiveness and abounding with love. What the enemy intended to harm me, God will use for good. And He is.
I’ve longed to go back to the Garden where I could walk in the presence of God, completely vulnerable, completely trusting, and completely unashamed. I just didn’t know it. I kept trying to cover myself instead of relinquishing my control to let God cover me. God’s covering is perfect. It protects. It builds up. It comforts. It surrounds me in love and peace. It is good because God is good. And in the Garden, we communed as one friendship in complete transparency with one another. I could know Him and He knew me. And it was good.
But the devil tried to steal that from me. He tried, but he has failed. God never gives up, and He hasn’t given up on me. Instead, He has tenderly and lovingly guided me back to Him, though the path has been difficult. All along the journey I have fought with Him. I’ve questioned His judgment and His direction. Can you imagine? I questioned God! What an oxymoron! But I did it, and I’ll likely do it again. I kept insisting that He not see my nakedness. I had too much shame. I had too much guilt. I had fear and darkness where their should have been trust and love.
“I acknowledged my sin to You,
And I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to YAHWEH,’
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
When I acknowledged my doubt and fear and shame to Him, He didn’t turn me away. He forgave me. And again and again He will do the same. What incredible peace there is in that! It is life changing. As I continue to strip off the layers and layers of shame and guilt and fear that I have built up around myself for so many years, the Lord faithfully and lovingly says, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you,” over and over and over again. Seventy times seven and more. And with each confession I’m drawn closer to Him. I am more and more exposed and I am more and more free.
His presence is the only covering I need. Shame and doubt and fear have only kept me away from Him. But as I release control of my covering to the Lord, I am free. His presence is my shield, my righteousness, my honor, my delight. To be naked and unashamed in His presence is to be back in the Garden. And that’s where I want to be.
So, Father, I’m sorry for not trusting You. I’m sorry for trying to cover all of my guilt and shame with manufactured lies that never gave me the comfort and peace that I thought they would or needed them to. Real peace can only be found in You. Real comfort is in Your arms. Your presence is mine for the asking when I surrender to You and confess it all. Thank You! I am saved. Help me to continue to walk in the Garden and not try to cover myself again in anything but You.