The Valley of the Shadow of Death

I’m coming up to the one year anniversary of my surgery. The surgery that “should have” killed me. God had another plan. But reflecting on the time leading up to it, I can see how God was speaking to me and comforting me. And a year later, I am alive.

Broken Alabaster Jar

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
Psalms 23:4

The thought of dying is scary.  Trust me, it is. No matter how much faith and trust in the Lord a person has, facing mortality is hard.  Fear of pain, compassion for the family and friends left behind, all the things you’ve left undone. It is a lot to carry.

As I’ve endured this very hard season in my life.  (Hard season is what I’ve been calling this tremendous trial of pain and suffering, by the way.)  I have cried out to God in anger, fear, frustration, hope, trust, love. A range of emotions that varies moment to moment.

Dying is that inevitability that we all face. And it still sucks.  I’ve been sick for so long, slowly…

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Suffering Sucks

Sharing this post again because it feels so relevant in so many ways right now. For those who are suffering, this is for you.

Broken Alabaster Jar

Suffering sucks God.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

It sucks, God.  I hate it, even though I know that You will use it.  I know what Your word says about suffering. I know Jesus suffered.  I know David suffered. I know the Apostles suffered. Paul suffered.  And God, I am suffering.

I’m tired from fighting.  It takes so much energy to cope with physical pain.  And, Lord, I feel like I’ve dealt with crisis after crisis for most of my life. I know that lots of people suffer, God, and I am no better or worse than anyone else.  But right now…

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Mabel

24 And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds—livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. 25 And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
Genesis 1:24-25

My dog died yesterday.  At my request, she was given a fatal dose of medicine that stopped her heart. I held her close to me as she took her last breaths, whispering “good girl” into her ear with all the courage I could muster, and gently knuckled the side of her face the way she always loved me to do. 

So God created man in his own image,
    in the image of God he created him;
    male and female he created them.

28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:27-28

I had dominion over my dog, Mabel, for most of her life.  She lived to be 17. I wasn’t expecting to adopt a dog the day I adopted Mabel.  I’d had an argument with my husband and I went to the human society to love on some dogs to make myself feel better.  While all the other dogs barked at me, Mabel stood in her kennel quiet, dejected, resigned to her fate.  

I asked if I could take her outside for a little walk.  It seemed like a kind gesture since all of the smaller dogs were confined to tiny kennels.  She loved it. She trotted alongside me, sniffing the wind, wagging her tail, and then sniffing some more.

When I brought her back to the building, the volunteer told me she was due to be “put down” the next day, and I heard myself say promptly, “I’ll take her.” 

Regular people didn’t have cell phones back then, which means I didn’t have a cell phone.  And so I adopted a dog without talking to my husband, without considering the consequences, without thinking about anything but saving that dog’s life.  

That was my contribution to God’s gift of dominion over the animals.  Her life was in my hands and I made the decision to let her live.

My husband never said a word.

19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed[f] every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.
Genesis 2:19

I named her Mabel.  And for the fifteen years that we were together, she devoted her life to me: to my protection, my comfort, my friendship, my life.  I saved her life and she would never stop thanking me for it.

Yesterday I ended her life.  

Jesus, thank you for Mabel.  Thank you for the years of loyal friendship and companionship.  Thank you for letting me steward that wonderful life. I am and will be forever grateful for the time we had together.  Thank you, God. Thank you for Mabel.  

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Sound asleep by my side.

Because I Said So

My husband and I are raising our second teenager.  She’s seventeen, brilliant, funny, stubborn, and loves Jesus.  I lose my patience with her more often than I’d like, but I try hard to set good boundaries, give her opportunities to accept consequences, and also encourage her to try hard things.  But sometimes, because I really am sounding more and more like my mother, she will ask why she can’t do something and my answer is the dreaded, “because I said so.” It’s the bane of teenagers everywhere.

And I’m guilty.

How many times has Jesus patiently, lovingly, simply responded to me with those very words?  And how many times have those words been exactly what needed? When I say to my child, “because I said so” it’s usually because I don’t have a good reason, or I don’t want to explain all the details.  I just want my daughter to accept that I know best.

But I don’t know best. 

Only God knows truly what is best.  Only God can say, “because I said so,” and mean it with full love and honesty.  He knows what’s best for me. I just don’t always want to hear it. I want what I want.  I hear what I want to hear. I do what I think is best in my own eyes. And somewhere along the way, I’m no different than the people in Judges who, over time, began to do what seemed right in their own eyes.

“In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” Judges 17:6

And sadly, that’s not the only time the Bible says something like that. I’ve read it so many times and thought to myself, “those silly people. Why don’t they listen to God? Why are they so dense and so selfish?”  And then I do what is right in my own eyes and never even consult God, let alone ask for His opinion.

Even though I’ve been chosen by God, and been sealed with His Spirit, I rationalize with human longings that should be giving to God.

Do I hear God? Yes, of course.  Plenty of times I hear the voice of God in my heart.  I hear His pleasure or His sorrow. I hear His hopes and plans for me.  And still I can get so conveniently deaf to Him when I want to.

I’m so thankful that God is patient.  I’m so thankful that God bears with me.

“For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Hebrews 12:6

Hear me, though, when I say this: God loves to explain things to us!  He loves to tell us why. The problem is always with us. We don’t want to listen.  We don’t want to ask. We don’t want to obey. And so, because He says He loves us, and He says He disciplines us out of that love, He lovingly follows through with His promises.  And, though we may not believe it, it is for our good.

I wish my daughter would accept my “because I said so”.  But mostly, I just want to learn to accept God’s words. If He wants to tell me, “because I said so,” I want to listen.  I want to receive it. I want to trust God and I want to trust His Word.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.John 1:1-5

Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

 

I Can Trust Him

I can trust Him.

If God is good
I can trust Him
If God is sovereign
I can trust Him
If God is faithful
I can trust Him
If God is righteous
I can trust Him
If God is Holy
I can trust Him
If God is Faithful
I can trust Him
If God is Savior
I can trust Him
If God is God
I can trust Him.

I can trust Him.