Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
The thought of dying is scary. Trust me, it is. No matter how much faith and trust in the Lord a person has, facing mortality is hard. Fear of pain, compassion for the family and friends left behind, all the things you’ve left undone. It is a lot to carry.
As I’ve endured this very hard season in my life. (Hard season is what I’ve been calling this tremendous trial of pain and suffering, by the way.) I have cried out to God in anger, fear, frustration, hope, trust, love. A range of emotions that varies moment to moment.
Dying is that inevitability that we all face. And it still sucks. I’ve been sick for so long, slowly bleeding to death and there have been no real answers. Medications, transfusions, iron infusions, more medications. Tests and more tests. And it all points to the same outcome.
Now I’m being faced with the opportunity to have it come to an end without my death. It would come in the form of surgery. But I’ve got a lot of risk factors that have kept it from being a viable option over the last few years. Yet, now I’m being encouraged to consider this option in the hope that it will save my life.
But I don’t want surgery. They can’t do it laparoscopically. They can’t use the robot. They will have to cut through me the old fashioned way and it’s not going to be pretty or easy to recover from. And the risks post operative are just as bleak.
The problem should be solved by surgery, however. And I’m tired of slowly bleeding to death. I just keep finding myself praying for a miracle. I know that God can heal me. And I want Him to heal me. He can stop the bleeding. He can make me whole and alive.
On top of it all, though, is this faith building journey. I have had to walk through the valley of the shadow of death in order to find the comfort in Christ’s rod and staff.
I’ve had to face all the emotional and mental torment that I have bottled up over the years. I’ve had to face the horrific PTSD that has plagued my life. I’ve had to go places in my memory (with the help of a gifted Christian therapist) that I never wanted to go back to, but were a festering poison in my mind and body.
Will I live or die? Will I be healed by God through miracle or man? Only the prayers of the saints can fuel God’s decision. Only the hope in the testimony that glorifies God’s victory can keep me moving forward.
I have to have hope. Lord, give me hope to trust You.
I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done.