Is there more, God? My heart echoes those words over and over. Is there more? More suffering. More fear. More pain. More joy. More healing. More learning. Lord, I am hungry, but I’m scared of the buffet table. In this world there is so much more, but not all of it is good. Nor is it all bad. You are here to some degree, Jesus. You are here through Your children. But the world is so broken, and wrapped in seduction, each offering can be more suffering or healing. And I struggle to know which one until I taste it.
I want more healing, Lord Jesus. It’s not even about the physical anymore. It’s so much deeper than that now. I want more knowledge of my sin, and more refining of my heart. I want more renewing of my mind. I want more, God. Give me more.
But more is so scary, Lord. I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust my hearing. I don’t trust my discernment. Is it You or is it me? Is it light or is it darkness? I want more, God. But I’m afraid. You haven’t given me a spirit of fear but of a sound mind. You have given me self control and clear thinking.
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7
You give me power, God. But is there more? Give me more, God. I need more power, love, and self-control. Why do I fight it? What am I afraid of? Why do I long for more and run from it all at once? Will I fail You, God? Is that what I’m afraid of? I know that more from You means less of me. Why don’t I want to give You all of me? Give me more me? Is that what I want?
Wretched (wo)man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Deliver me, Jesus! Give me more of You. Break me of these horrible desires that causes my flesh to battle against me for death and darkness instead of life and light. I want more light. I want more life?! Why do I fight it? What am I so afraid of? Is there more darkness, Lord? Is that my fear? Will I have to face more of my own ugliness to find Your light? I don’t want to see it anymore, Jesus! I hate it! Does that mean I hate myself? Does that mean I don’t know Your love?
Jesus, I want more. Will You give me more of You? I’m so scared, Lord. I’m terrified. What will more of You reveal in me? I want to approach the Throne of Grace with confidence. I need more grace, Jesus! I need more confidence in You. I want more!
You have given me so much already. And I want more! There is so much more. I want it, Jesus. I want more. Let me feast on the joy of Your salvation! Let me taste and see that You are good! Give me more, Jesus. Break down my fear. Break down my lust. Break down my doubt and my cowardice and my stubborn pride. Humble me, though I’m so afraid to ask for it! Humble me and make me more like You.
I want more. So much more! Give me more!