And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone. 44 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.45 And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!” 46 But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.” 47 And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. 48 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”
Anyone who has been reading my blog posts knows that I’ve been going through a painful but valuable time of transformation by the Lord. He’s brought things up to the surface that I had kept buried for many years. They were poisoning me, and God wasn’t content to leave me like that. But in order for God to deal with those things that had been buried, I had to revisit all the anguish and cruelty that had been visited upon me so long ago. It sucks. It hurts! It has been beyond difficult. But it’s been so worth it.
The turmoil and upheaval I’ve been experiencing in this transformation has opened up old wounds and left me feeling vulnerable while the Lord gently walked me through the proper healing process. The enemy exploited my vulnerability and coaxed me into fear. I didn’t want anyone to judge me for being so broken. I didn’t want people to see my wounds. I didn’t trust myself to not lash out to protect myself. I didn’t trust myself to be strong and courageous. I was a mess (I still am, but atleast I’m a healing mess!) and I didn’t want anyone to know it.
So many things would trigger me into a panic attack. My anxiety and fear tried to rule me. I was in fight or flight mode, and all I wanted to do was run away. But God said, “I am fighting for you, my love.” And those were powerful words. For the briefest moment I chose to believe God. I chose to believe that He was fighting for me and no matter how vulnerable I was, I could be a living testament of God’s power at work in me. How many people could be encouraged by this walk I’ve been on? How many people could be shown that God is trustworthy to save?!
I challenged myself to press in to the Lord and watch Him fight for me. At first it was terrifying. The enemy taunted me with the lie that God wasn’t going to save me. He told me people would hurt me. He told me I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t be exposed. But instead of running, I pressed in. I held onto the hem of the Lord’s robe and prayed that God would protect me.
And He has.
I am regaining my strength. My faith is growing. My heart is healing. And my thoughts are being cleansed by His power. The Spirit of the living God is within me. He refines me and teaches me. He proves His faithfulness and sovereignty in my life over and over and over again. I am stronger now in my trust of the Lord’s power at work within me. My shield of faith is being expanded and the lies of the enemy are falling broken in front of me. I march over them with the triumph of the Lord to guide me.