I found myself weeping before the Lord this morning as I passionately renounced my most beloved and oldest demon friends for the thousandth time, and then longingly looked back at them heartbroken as the walked away at God’s command.
I cried out, “God, I don’t know why I’m doing that! I hate them! I don’t want them! And a part of me loves them and wants them back already! Help me, God!!! Help me!”
“Worship me,” he whispered. I felt the soft touch of his gentle calloused hand gathering up the tears on my cheeks.
A touch from the Master had already begun to sand away another rough spot on my broken heart. His calloused hand. A perfectly divine, resurrected body with a calloused hand and a rough, scratchy cheek and coarse dark hair.
He smelled like sunshine and cedar.
I wept. Jesus wept. We wept together for the death of Lazarus in my own heart.
“Lift your head, weary sinner,” He whispered.
I tell Google to play Lift Your Head Weary Sinner and I worship. I weep and worship and weep and sing at the top of my lungs. Let the chains fall! Let the chains fall! My repentance becomes worship. I worship.
Daddy’s personal playlist for me kicked into full gear. There is an Anchor played next.
I kept my head lifted up and I fixed my eyes on the Lord’s gaze. I’d renounced and confessed and repented. I’d worshiped. Our eyes stayed locked. He sees and he loves. He sees me. And he loves me.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psalm 139:1-6 ESV
I felt so much relief. The Lord and I were locked in unity. I allowed Him to keep my gaze, despite my fear and my torment, and He saw me. He saw all of me.
He has always seen everything in me, every darkness, every fear, and He loves me.
All those long lost beloved friends of perdition who whisper on the winds of my memories, with their shame and death and suffering, all just disappear into the glorious light. I know my gaze will wander. And I know His gaze wont falter even when mine does.
I don’t have to always understand. I doubt. I fear. I worry. I am human. I was born on a train bound for death. And Jesus loves me. He offers Himself up to me so we can be one.
And I am reminded again that we are One. Oh, the audacity to consider my fears more terrible than God’s power! His light washes away everything that isn’t light.
In Him there is no darkness.
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5 ESV
I will worship Him.
I choose to be blinded by His love for me, bound on a train for Glory instead of death, no matter what familiar demons I hear screaming out the window.